The Case of the Missing Panties
by Le Penguin
Summary: (OR, How Sanada Got His Groove Back) Yukimura's panties have gone missing, and it's up to Sanada to find them.


(A/N: Written by request for Cirnelle. A Yukimura birthday fic. Enjoy, y'all.)

~*

"And...aww. Why thank you, Marui."

Pop. "Welcome. How'd you know it was from me?"

"The fact that it's sampled already was a clue."

"Hey." Pop. "Had to make sure it was good. And not poisonous. There are treacherous rival players about who might want you out of the tournaments, ya know."

"Lame excuse," chimed Kirihara, kicking his feet in the air lazily. "Lame, lame, lame."

Yukimura selected a cookie from his present from Marui, and offered it to Kirihara in exchange for the silence of the peanut gallery. Kirihara was of course thankful for the gift, and began to gnaw loudly on it.

This fine night, the regulars of Rikkai Dai had gathered at Yukimura's home for the celebration of said captain's birthday. The party so far had proceeded well; suspiciously so. 

The cake was brought out with Marui doing a graceful face-dive into it. (This feat was only accomplished through the combined efforts of Jackal and Niou, who had kindly sat on Marui to hold him down. Marui did not submit without a fight, however, and managed to score a few welts on Jackal and get gum in Niou's hair before Yukimura finally gave him his precious, precious cake.) The lighter used for the candles on the cake did not fall into Kirihara's hands. 

Sanada had only had to bark reprimands at the partygoers twice--once when Kirihara was getting the savage end of a beating after playfully stealing Marui's ice cream (Kirihara was truly lucky to be alive after such a stunt), and once when he caught Niou attempting to drag Yagyuu into a secluded room for god knows what kind of costume change. (Niou was more than happy to explain his plans, yet when he got to the fishnet stockings and nipple tassels Sanada simply stopped listening and ordered him back to the party.)

Such a lack of violent and destructive events had, of course, piqued Sanada's suspicions.

His wariness was preventing him from enjoying the party somewhat--the calm was always followed by a destructive and bloodthirsty storm, Sanada firmly believed. Yet Yukimura seemed to be enjoying himself, so Sanada couldn't deem the party as a total waste of his nerves.

"My present next my present next my present _next!!_" Kirihara shoved a box into Yukimura's lap, nearly vibrating with excitement. 

Sanada immediately snapped to attention. Surely this would be the point where there were explosions? Or loud screaming sirens? Or demon possessions? _Something?_

(The demon thing had only happened once, really, and the demon was a surprisingly reasonable chap. It was such trouble to have to learn Latin to find out just what the hell Kirihara was babbling on about, though.)

No, Sanada wasn't looking for an opportunity to bravely rush to Yukimura's rescue. An opportunity to get a small hug (and maybe, _maybe_--if Lady Luck smiled on him--a kiss on the cheek) of gratitude from the slim boy after bringing a rampaging dragon or tentacle monster into submission. An opportunity to get maybe a small scratch on his wrist, to hear Yukimura make a soft, concerned noise in the back of his throat as he lowered his lips to delicately kiss the wound better. An opportunity to make Yukimura look up at him with love in his eyes as his mouth slowly whispered the words Sanada so longed to hear: "Take me now, you tall drink of mansex."

...really. He wasn't.

  
Yukimura smiled at Kirihara's exuberance, and fondly ruffled his hair. "If you insist, Akaya." He gently shook the box, listening with a thoughtful look on his face. "Hmm...the present doesn't seem to be alive like it is usually."

Kirihara scratched his nose, frowning. "...couldn't catch anything," he answered, dejectedly.

Yukimura gave him a sympathetic pat on the head. "It's alright. You shouldn't take wild animals out of their habitats anyway." He paused a moment. "...nor out of the zoo, as the case was before."

"The officials noted that Kirihara _did_ take good care of that polar bear," Yanagi said. "Despite the property damage he caused in procuring it, there was no real loss taken."

"Be that as it may," Sanada added quietly. "Akaya should learn to obey the orders of his elders. Might make him less of an insufferable little brat."

"_Sanada_," Yukimura warned, taking the hem of Kirihara's shirt to make sure that he couldn't make a lunge at the vice-captain. As it were, Kirihara simply let out a low snarl, and snuggled his head against Yukimura's leg with a pout. Yukimura comfortingly stroked his hair, giving Sanada a Look. Kirihara grinned, sticking his tongue out at the vice-captain. 

Sanada twitched. ...insufferable little brat.

"Well, Akaya," started Yukimura, beginning to unwrap the present. "Whatever the present is, I'm sure that I'll love it..."

The blue-haired boy blinked once, twice at the contents of the box. "...my goodness."

Marui suddenly began to sniff the air. His head jerked in the direction of the box, and he pounced. 

"Whoa..." he breathed, eyes visibly sparkling as he regarded the inside of the box. 

Yukimura giggled a bit. "Such a surprise that you like it too, Marui," he teased.

Marui motioned for him to hush with a vague batting of his hand, his eyes still locked on the box. "Shh, shh; don't speak...just...just let me savor this moment..." he managed to whisper.

Kirihara pulled himself upward to glare at Marui. "They're for Yukimura-sempai, not for _you_," he reminded him. "Besides, he needs them more than you do. Fatty-sempai."

The insult seemed to have gone unnoticed by Marui, who had let his head loll back with glazed eyes. Incoherent gurgling came from his throat. 

Sanada admitted to himself that he was curious as to what could make Marui enter his candy-gasm state so quickly. He craned his neck a bit to try to peer into the box. 

Yukimura shook Marui's shoulder to rouse him. 

"Marui," he laughed, taking out a fistful of the box's contents. "Would you like some?"

Marui snapped out of the candy-gasm and greedily held out his hands, not even making a polite first refusal. Yukimura dropped a handful of loose Skittles into Marui's waiting palms with a soft giggle. An indignant noise came from Kirihara, and he crossed his arms.

"Hmph..."

Yukimura ruffled his hair affectionately once more. "It's a very nice present, Akaya--and I just gave Marui a handful."

"Vewwy nife pweffent, Kiwwihawa," Marui agreed, managing to get out a mildly coherent sound around a mouthful of Skittles. "Vewwy gooff tasttff."

"And my favorite kind of candy as well." Leaning over, Yukimura kissed Kirihara lightly on his forehead. "Thank you very much; I didn't even think anyone knew."

At that moment, Sanada quite felt like wringing Kirihara's oh-so-cute-and-thoughtful little neck to get that smug look off of the junior's face. Sanada was willing to bet money that the brat had wheedled the candy information out of Yanagi--the data master knew all, especially all concerning his teammates and especially all concerning their captain. (Yukimura tended to draw the eyes of those around him, and even those without data-inclined minds couldn't help but notice the small things that he did. Sanada could thus safely conclude that Yanagi, with the mind like a steel beartrap, would be able to capture such a thing as candy preferences without much trouble.) Sanada couldn't help but wonder, however, just how Kirihara had gotten Yanagi to part with his precious data. He had a feeling it had something to do with either bribery, blackmail, or sexual favors. 

"Sanada."

Again Sanada snapped out of his trance, looking to the source of his name. Yukimura had turned a concerned gaze onto him.   
  


"You look upset," he noted. "Is something wrong?"

Sanada's frown deepened, and he tugged his hat over his eyes. "...no."

A soft laugh, then some rustling. Sanada blinked, and lifted his eyes just in time to see Yukimura standing in front of him with a handful of Skittles, a wide smile gracing his face. 

"Would you like some as well?" 

Without waiting for a reply, Yukimura grabbed Sanada's wrist and dropped the candy into his palm. His smiled widened more, and he winked. 

"Maybe it'll get that grumpy look off of your face."

..._grumpy_? Sanada felt that he had a reason to look so, he thought with a snort. He popped the candy into his mouth as if he were swallowing poison--Yukimura giggled at this, perhaps not the worst reaction to the candy after all. 

Little brats were getting kisses from blue-haired angels; kisses that Sanada had worked so hard for just a chance at were being given to a demon child for bringing in a boxful of brightly colored candies. Most of his teammates were snickering behind their hands at him, laughing at his jealousy of the oh-so-cute-and-thoughtful Kirihara--except for Yanagi; Yanagi wasn't even bothering to hide his smirk. 

All of this, plus the sneaking suspicion that something was about to go horribly, horribly--

"...Ma...Marui? Are you alright?"

Marui's expression was somewhat different from his usual one that he wore after he ate sweets. In fact, it looked like the expression of someone who had just smoked a lot of marijuana. He let out a spacey giggle.

"Waaa...I can _taste_ the rainbow, guys..." he half-sang.

Yukimura went deathly pale, slowly turning his head to look at Kirihara. Kirihara looked much too confused and fascinated by Marui to have planned this, Yukimura decided. Niou was just as interested in the proceedings as Kirihara was, ruling him out as a suspect...Yukimura began to feel a migraine coming on when Yanagi's voice softly 'hmmed' as the data specialist surveyed the box of candies. He set a hand on Kirihara's shoulder, raising an eyebrow. 

"Kirihara. Where did you get these?" he asked, calmly.

Kirihara blinked. "Pop keeps a big stash of candy in the basement, so I just took some from there..."

Yanagi paused, then shook his head. "That actually explains...quite a bit about you, Kirihara."

Sanada felt himself growing pale. He'd eaten the candies as well, what was going to happen to _him_? (Judging by Marui, Sanada mused, he'd soon be twitching and drooling on the floor while trying to hum the first few bars of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.")

Yukimura seemed to have the same worries that Sanada had, and he very nearly vaulted over his teammates to where the vice-captain sat. His panicked eyes locked onto Sanada's, and he took Sanada's face into his palms.

"Sanada, are you feeling alright?" he asked, fear evident in his voice. 

Sanada gulped, his fingers clenching into the material of the armchair where he sat. He felt...

He felt...

A slow smile spread across his face.

..._groovy_. 

Suddenly, the Yukimura household was acquiring a new paint scheme before Sanada's very eyes--it looked much like the painters had downed several hits of acid, gone on a few roller coasters, then threw up in screamingly bright technicolor all over the walls. Sanada felt that it was a very impressive job done. 

Soft, happy music drifted to his ears, and all worries about the party faded away. Everyone seemed to be having such a good time, so why make a fuss?--Niou seemed to have spontaneously grown another head that looked exactly like Yagyuu, Yanagi had grown Vulcan ears and was talking into his communications badge, Jackal was dancing with a pink blob and yelling, Kirihara was making a daisy chain with a bunch of teddy bears--but why was Yukimura looking so upset? Pretty faces shouldn't be upset, Sanada thought. Pretty faces should be..._kissed_. 

At least, that was what he thought before the world melted around him.

~*

It was a cold night in the big city; the kind of night sunk into one's skin like so much hand moisturizer. I'd just finished up the case filings for our last call--some young little thing was being stalked by a John Q. Perv. The whole thing ended in a shoot-out, and I ruined my best hat. 

I was ready to punch in and hit the hay after a long day's work. But, you see, these kinds of nights...these kinds of nights bring in the biggest trouble of them all.

Kirihara poked his head into the office. "Hey, Sanada-san. Pretty thing just walked in the lobby looking flustered--looks like you've got one more client before closing up."

Sanada sighed and adjusted his fedora. He thunked his feet down from where they had rested atop his desk, and neatened the scattered papers. "Send him in."

I'd been in this business for all of three years, and I'd seen my fair share of pretty things--usually they're the ones that get mixed up in the worst kinds of messes. They're the types with the deepest pockets, though, and they ain't so bad to look at when the case gets slow. 

But I'd seen my fair share, I told myself. I wasn't gonna get snookered by a pair of big eyes like I did when I was just a gumshoe--I was gonna charge full price and keep my poker face.

The clacks of heels against a wood floor were heard, and Kirihara appeared again with Yukimura at his side. 

"Sanada-san, this is Seiichi Yukimura. No appointment, but promises to make a consultation worth your while."

Sanada's eyes quite nearly popped out of his head, and his jaw lolled open slightly.

_...yowsa.__ Maybe I wouldn't charge full price after all._

Kirihara opened the door wider so the boy could pass through, and smiled happily when he was rewarded with a soft pat on the head. Yukimura stepped up to Sanada's desk as the door shut behind him, extending a hand.

"Like your cute little secretary said, I didn't make an appointment--it's urgent though, there was really no time."

_I like my men the way I like my drinks--strong, heady, and quite capable of knocking me unconscious. Having legs up to their neck and an ass tight as a drum isn't bad either. This vision of loveliness had all of this by the looks of it. The "knocking unconscious" part would have to be proven later._

Blinking a few times at Yukimura to make sure that he wouldn't disappear, Sanada schooled his expression. He rose from his seat to take the offered hand.

"Forget about it, doll." He lowered his lips to press a kiss onto the skin. "Clients like you don't need appointments."

Yukimura rose an eyebrow, the corners of his mouth tugging into a small smile. "Clients like me?" he parroted. "Shouldn't you treat all of your clients equally?"

Sanada shrugged, moving around his desk to guide Yukimura to a seat. "I figure that if I give perks to the prettiest, I'll get more lovelies visiting me. It's for business purposes, you know."

Sitting himself in an armchair facing Sanada's desk, Yukimura laughed softly. "You get 'lovelies' visiting you on a regular basis, then?" he asked, crossing his legs. 

The fedora-capped detective snapped his eyes to Yukimura's legs, then slowly traced his way upward until his eyes rested on Yukimura's once more. He shrugged, carelessly.

"A few."

None quite as divine as the one who sat in front of him right then, Sanada added to himself. He sauntered his way back to his chair, and flopped down. He leaned back, peering at Yukimura from underneath the brim of his hat.

"So, what's the trouble? Getting stalked by some creep? Someone trying to have you killed? Stolen jewelry? Jealous lover that I should be aware of before we run away together?"

Yukimura decided to ignore the last question. He gave a sigh, and looked down at his folded hands in his lap.

"...no, none of that. It's..." 

He bit his lip, and took a breath. 

"...someone has stolen my underwear. The entire drawer of it, gone."

Sanada nearly fell over in his chair. He righted himself and fixed his hat, looking understandably bewildered. 

Well, he amended, perhaps it _was_ understandable--he wouldn't be averse to owning something that had hugged that tight little rump. But he couldn't forgive the thief who did this, oh no--not the person who did this to his future husband. ("Future" being the key word, as Yukimura didn't quite _know_ that Sanada was already planning the catering for the wedding in his head. Yet.)

He pursed his lips thoughtfully, trying to make it look like there was a doubt in his mind as to whether he should take the case or not. Yukimura clenched his hands.

"I'm willing to pay a hefty sum," he assured. 

Sanada perked up at this. He stroked his chin for a moment. "...three-hundred-fifty a day is my usual charge, but I'm willing to cut it back in this case." 

The detective Sanada leaned back, resting his arms behind his head. "Dinner and a movie this Saturday is all I ask. I'll pay, of course."

Yukimura blinked before a smile spread across his lips. "Seems like a fair deal to me," he said. 

He rose from his chair and marched over to the desk. Climbing on top of it, Yukimura seized Sanada by the tie and tugged him close. 

"...and if you start now, I'll throw in breakfast too," he whispered huskily, giving the tie a good yank.

...I pity the man who could refuse an offer like that. So I started cracking. Brown-eyes came along with me to keep my spirits up, and to identify the stolen goods when I found them. 

Our first stop was at the lab of an old buddy of mine. He usually gives me gadgets for my trickier cases, and makes a mean cup of coffee. 

Sanada loudly knocked on the door to an old, well-kept Victoriana house. Stepping back a few paces, he cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled,

"Hey! How long are you planning on leaving us out here?!"

A few moments of silence from inside the house, and then footfalls growing louder as they approached the door. The door opened, and Yanagi appeared dressed in a crisp labcoat.

"Genichirou," he greeted, pulling off his gloves. He took a long look at Yukimura, his eyebrows rising. "...and I don't believe I've had the pleasure before."

Sanada shot a glare at Yanagi that could have stopped a stampede of beasts. "And you never _will_," he snapped, wrapping an arm around Yukimura's shoulders.

Yanagi likely would have rolled his eyes if they had been open. "Of your gentleman friend's _name_, Genichirou. Your ability to jump to incorrect conclusions, as always, staggers me."

Taking a bow, Yanagi smiled at Yukimura. "Allow me to introduce myself first. I'm Professor Renji Yanagi, an old friend of Genichirou's. May I ask your name, and why such a creature as yourself is associating with an ape such as he?"

Plucking Sanada's hand from his shoulders, Yukimura smiled and took a bow to Yanagi. "Seiichi Yukimura," he replied. "I hired Sanada-san here to find some missing undergarments."

Sanada adjusted his fedora, frowning slightly. "You can just call me 'Sanada,' darling. Or 'Genichirou.' Or 'sweetheart.' Personally I think the last one has quite a ring to it--"

"I should imagine that you came for some detective gadgetry, then?" Yanagi interrupted, stepping aside in the doorway with a gesture for the two to enter. "I have some new inventions that could prove useful to this particular operation."

"Inventions for panty-finding?" asked Sanada, raising an eyebrow.

Yanagi shrugged. "One never knows when they'll be useful." He began to walk toward a large door in his hallway. "I'll go fetch them from the lab. You two wait here."

He disappeared into the lab. There was a slight pause. Sanada looked over to Yukimura, and linked his arm through his. 

"Well. What have I earned so far?" he asked. 

Yukimura didn't even look at him. "A handshake."

Sanada smiled proudly, tugging Yukimura closer to him. "We're progressing so nicely..."

Yanagi swept back into the room, holding something that looked like a metal detector. He set it in Yukimura's hands. 

"This will find any article of clothing that you tell it to," he explained. He tapped a small compartment on the back. "Just put a sample of the type of clothing in here and follow the computer display."

Sanada frowned. "Why're you giving it to him? I'm the detective here."

Yanagi looked at him, and quite frankly answered, "Because I find you to be a baboon when it comes to machinery, and I wish to have this back in one piece. Yukimura-san seems to be a reasonable fellow, so I'm giving it to him."

Sanada snorted, understandably hurt. Yukimura merely giggled, and held out his hand to Yanagi.

"Thank you for your help, Professor. Is there a way that we can repay you?" he asked.

Yanagi gently took Yukimura's hand, and pressed a soft kiss to it. He smiled. 

"That's all I need," he said, suavely. 

The bastard stole my trick. I'd be damned if I was going to let my true love stay one more second in that house (and damned if I wasn't going to sock that smug scientist after I married Seiichi and bought a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence), so we set off. Unfortunately he didn't let me help him get the sample of his clothing. Damn.

We wandered around town for a bit in the romance of the nightlife of the city. The panty-detector whatchamacallit started to go off with a vengeance when we got near a cute little cake shop in the bakery district, so we investigated.

Sanada threw open the door to the cake shop; trenchcoat billowing dramatically. He tugged his hat over his eyes, and ambled inside. Yukimura followed close behind with the panty-detector. 

Marui stood at the counter, dressed in a cute little apron. "Welcome to Auntie Marui's Cake and Confections, how may--" He blinked, glancing behind Sanada. Then grinned. "Seiichi! What brings you here?"

He then pointed to Sanada, winking in a way that was probably meant to only be seen by Yukimura. "And who's the stud in the trenchcoat?" he whispered. 

"His fiancé," Sanada replied, wrapping an arm around Yukimura's waist. 

Yukimura elbowed him in the side, rolling his eyes. "A detective I hired to help me find my filched undergarments," he explained. He held up the panty-detector. "We borrowed this thing from a dream in a labcoat to help with the procedure, but somehow it led us here."

Marui pursed his lips a little in a frown. He blew a bubble thoughtfully. "I don't think I've borrowed any of your clothes recently," he mused. "But if you two'll watch the counter for a little bit I'll run up to our apartment to check."

Yukimura nodded, and Marui vaulted himself over the counter. As he disappeared up the stairs, Yukimura gestured to Sanada to come closer. Sanada obeyed, if only in the slim hopes that the other boy would stick his tongue down his throat.

"That's Bunta Marui," Yukimura explained. "We're classmates. He runs this store with his boyfriend, Jackal Kuwahara--great guy, a little bit of a pushover. I lend Bunta some of my skivvies every so often, so that might be why the panty detector is reacting."

Sanada nodded, processing this. He pressed a kiss to Yukimura's ear. "What am I up to now?" he asked.

Yukimura thought for a moment. 

"Handholding," he decided.

Sanada slipped his hand into Yukimura's. "Then I won't waste a second."

Marui bounded back down the stairs, a strip of lacy cloth clutched in one hand--the cloth might have been able to pass for panties by some less stringent standards. He held it out to Yukimura, snapping a bubble. 

"Here ya go. All cleaned up, too--we had fun with them." He winked. "Maybe you and Trenchcoat'll have some fun with them later."

Yukimura shrugged. "Maybe. And thank you, I'm glad you liked them."

Sanada perked up immediately. "...that 'maybe' will keep me going for the rest of eternity, you realize."

"Exactly why I said it." Yukimura tucked the could-be-panties into the compartment of the panty-detector. "Come on, let's go-- this could boost the accuracy a little."

I admit that I wasn't really listening at that point--the thought of my soulmate dressed in nothing but that little strip of lace, laying on his stomach on my bed, chewing on a single finger as those curls tumbled into those brown, brown eyes...

...

...alright, I think I'm back on topic now. Anyway. We wandered through town a bit more until the panty-detector started beeping again. Seemed our next stop was an odd little costuming shop in the posh clothing district.

The bell on the door tinkled gently as the two entered the store. Yukimura looked around for a shopkeeper, while Sanada wandered off--distracted by the numerous peculiar brick-a-brac decorating the walls, no doubt. 

"Hello?" called Yukimura. "Anyone here?"

Sanada seemed to be fascinated by a taxidermied otter, dressed in a top hat and a small tuxedo coat and clutching a miniature cane, perched on the wall. "Say, Seiichi, you ever seen a vaudeville otter before?"

"I don't do vaudeville, I do Broadway, bastard!" said the otter. 

Sanada very nearly yelped and jumped back. As it were, he merely drew his gun. The otter gasped, and then seemed to let out a sob.

"Don't believe me, do you?!" it wailed. "I could've been the next big thing on the big stage, but noooo! They don't do dancing otters! And look at me now! Look at me now!! LOOK AT ME NO--gack!" 

Yukimura had soundlessly crept behind the counter and grabbed the rat-tail of the ventriloquist. He smiled sweetly.

"Good evening, Niou," he greeted. "You seem to have gotten very good at that."

Niou gave a shrug, seated on the floor. "It's a gift, what can I say?"

Sanada, though he had now seen the source of the voice, still wasn't quite convinced of the otter's lifelessness. So he pumped a few shots of lead into it. He stuck his gun back into its holster, and dusted off his hands. Niou frowned, giving Sanada a rather odd look before turning his eyes up to look at Yukimura again. 

"What brings you and Trigger-Happy here tonight?" he asked. 

"Panty-theft. Our panty-detector led us here..." Yukimura paused. "...I haven't lent you anything recently, right?"

"You lent me that negligée to wear for a week or two," Niou replied. "You want it back? Yagyuu and me have had our fun."

"Happy to hear that." Yukimura looked around. "Speaking of Yagyuu, where is he?"

Niou began to study his nails. "...not a clue," he said, innocently. 

There was suddenly loud thudding from the closed door of a changing room. Yukimura rose an eyebrow, and went over to open the door...

...only to find Yagyuu hog-tied and dressed in said borrowed negligée, a scarf stuffed in his mouth. He looked helplessly up at Yukimura, muffling out a few pleas through the gag. 

Yukimura paused for a moment, considering this scene. He then shrugged. 

"I suppose you'll be wanting to keep it for a little while longer, then. Sanada and I will leave you two in peace."

Yagyuu let out a muffled scream of protest. Niou gave Yukimura a salute.

"Knew you'd understand," he said. "You and Trigger-Happy go have a nice date together, alright?"

"Of course." Yukimura took Sanada by the wrist, and dragged him out of the store. "Have fun, you two!"

As the door closed, Niou slowly turned his head to look at Yagyuu. Yagyuu glared at him over his slightly askew glasses. 

"You look so cute in that negligée, Niou," purred Yagyuu/Niou. (Niyuu? Yagou?)

That experience was both confusing and slightly disturbing, so my Seiichi and I decided to move on as quickly as possible. The panty-detector, though, decided to crap out. (Heh. See how much my Seiichi likes you now, Renji!)

So there we were, wandering blind throughout the city amidst the crowds enjoying the nightlife. Somehow we managed to get down to the piers--not entirely a bad thing, as they're a hotspot for couples to make out. I was feeling pretty confident that somehow the make-out-vibes would infect my Seiichi and induce him to stick his tongue down my throat.

Yukimura sighed, leaning back on his hands. He and Sanada sat at the edge of one of the docks, taking a break from the thus far fruitless journey. He lolled his head from side to side in an attempt to get the creaks out of his neck. 

"...this is hopeless," he decided suddenly. He shook his head. "I might as well just buy new panties."

Sanada frowned. "Seiichi..."

Yukimura smiled sadly. "It's alright, Sanada. You'll still get your payment," he said with a soft laugh. "Your place or mine?"

He felt Sanada's warm hand over his. Yukimura looked up in confusion, only to see Sanada's face inches from his own.

"One," Sanada started. "I'm not going to screw you if you're not going to be willing or excited about it. Two, I prefer to work for my pay. Three..." He paused. "...three I don't quite know, but it probably has something to do with bursting into a big musical number about my love for you."

Sanada jumped up and dug a harmonica out of his pocket. He sounded a note--a B to be precise. A group of dancing showboys jumped out of nowhere, and fountains spurted upward from the lake. A spotlight shone on Sanada. He took Yukimura's hands and, gazing into his eyes, began to sing...badly.

"L! Is for the way you look...at me.   
"O! Is for the only one...I see.   
"V! Is very, very..." 

Chorus line kick! 

"Ex-traordinary! E! Is even more than anyone that I adore..."

Sanada twirled Yukimura, setting his hand onto his hip and beginning to waltz across the pier. The music swelled in the background, and the showboys did impressive acrobatic stunts. Yukimura looked to have a mix of emotions inside him: confused, frightened, flattered, and...well, happy. But mostly just confused and frightened. 

All of a sudden, a man dressed in black jumped into the middle of the musical number! There was a collective gasp. The man cackled evilly. 

"So, you've finally found my hideout, detective..." said he. 

Sanada protectively stepped in front of Yukimura, his hand on his gun. He narrowed his eyes. "...you're the panty thief," he growled. 

The man nodded triumphantly. "Indeed! But you'll never get my prize! Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha--"

The maniacal laughter was interrupted by the sound of a bazooka shot, and then the man was nothing more than a splat on the docks. Kirihara blew the smoke off of the barrel of his bazooka, grinning. 

"Knew all of that gaming was good for something!" he declared happily.

Sanada and Yukimura were deathly pale, staring at the blotch that was once the panty thief. Sanada gulped.

"...thanks for that, Akaya," he said slowly. "...but now how are we going to find Yukimura's panties?"

Kirihara attached the bazooka to its holster on his back, still grinning. "Don't worry about that," he assured. "While you two were out running around, Professor Yanagi used his computers to track down the undies."

There was a long pause. Yukimura shrugged. 

"Well, I suppose that's all I need," he said. "Though I must admit that that was a bit of a cop-out."

Sanada offered his arm to Yukimura. "I'm not complaining. Shall we?" he asked.

Yukimura's eyes darkened, and a decidedly evil smirk tugged at his lips. He leaned close to Sanada, his breath puffing into his ear as he huskily whispered,

"...take me now, you tall drink of mansex."

That's when Sanada figured that he was dreaming.

~*

"...hey, Yukimura-sempai, I think he's waking up!"

Sanada groggily opened his eyes, and found himself staring at a white ceiling. He blinked against the bright fluorescent lighting, groaning slightly. 

"...the hell am I?" he mumbled.

"The hospital," a soft voice said. "We called an ambulance."

Sanada turned to the source of the voice. Yukimura sat in a chair next to his hospital bed, smiling gently--a role reversal if Sanada had ever saw one, he thought. Kirihara and Yanagi, the other two people in the room, barely contained their laughter. Yukimura threw a Look over his shoulder at them.

"Why don't you two go visit Marui?" he suggested. "I'd like to talk to Sanada alone."

Kirihara pouted. "But, Yukimura-sempa--AH, AH! Fine, fine, I'll go!" yelped he as Yanagi pulled him out of the room by his ear.

The door clicked shut. Sanada coughed embarrassedly. 

"...sorry for ruining your party, captain," he said, quietly. 

Yukimura snorted. "Are you kidding? You and Marui were the life of the party when you ate those Skittles. You and he even did an impromptu strip tease to the theme song of 'The Never-ending Story.' The ambulance personnel could barely stop laughing at your jokes long enough to give you some sleeping pills and strap you onto the stretcher. Niou was fuming at having the show stolen away from him."

He shrugged, letting out a laugh.

"Honestly, this is the best damn birthday party I've ever had."

He leaned forward to press a kiss onto Sanada's forehead. "...thank you."

Sanada was silent for a long moment. A slow smile spread across his face.

He got a kiss from Yukimura, and all he had to do was eat magic Skittles and hallucinate. Even oh-so-cute-and-thoughtful Kirihara couldn't boast that, he thought with a smirk.

The ever-loving end. 


End file.
